Episode 20: The Perception of Yourself in Building Relations

Welcome to episode 20 of Dawn of a New Era, the Chronicles of a Serial Entrepreneur. And in today’s episode, we’re going to be looking at how people perceive you and how to change the way that you are treated by others and how you can influence the behaviour of others around you as well as yourself. So it’s all about how you perceive yourself. And often, when you look at other people, we sometimes have like a rational thought about how we perceive that person. But in general, the way we see others is actually a projection of how you see yourself. So sometimes when you go through life and business and you meet multiple people, sometimes it feels smooth. Sometimes it feels like plain sailing. But we tend to love in others what we love in ourselves and hate in others what we can’t see in ourselves.

So in fact, other people’s behaviour is a sort of a great litmus test for our own self-awareness. So we typically are irritated by other people’s behaviours or habits, especially when we kind of struggle to overcome or deny experiencing them at all ourselves. So sometimes in business, when you meet somebody, you sometimes just feel like you absolutely gel, like you’re kind of in each other’s strides, the way you talk, just seems to flow, and you have this kind of really nice, positive feel. 

And sometimes when you meet somebody, there is nothing that you experience you don’t like about them, but you just clink. You just don’t kind of click together. You just feel like you’re kind of coming against each other’s personalities. And it just doesn’t feel right. Now, often this can be because we are quite similar to the other person. Often, it’s actually the opposite. When we think we get on with somebody and we think, “Oh, we’re so alike,” we actually could be the complete opposite. And those relationships don’t always end in the most positive way, because what we’re looking for is different, depending on how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about our own self-esteem and confidence. 

So when you think about it, there’s kind of two parts to this equation, and you have to understand how you react to people and also how they react to you. Sometimes it can be completely irrational because, as I said, the way you see others is the way you see yourself. And this is actually something that I’m really, really aware of. And it’s called meta-perception. And meta-perception is kind of the way we imagine how other people see us. So for instance, if you’re feeling really low and you’re having a really bad day, things are not panning for you, you just feel not in your most positive zone. This really does influence how people behave towards you, how you present yourself, and how you align with other people. 

Because sometimes, if you are not feeling good, you start to feel that other people think that you are undeserving. They don’t like you. They’re just not agreeing with you, and you’re just not getting on with others. And this really is a lot to do with how you feel yourself and your confidence in what you are doing. So often, if you go into a business situation, you will find that if you feel really confident, you feel really positive, it’s because you have this really good feeling around the situation, and you don’t have a negative association with it. 

Sometimes when people go in and maybe do like public speaking, they maybe have this feeling of discomfort because they have this negative feeling towards maybe the last time they did something. It could be a completely false behaviour and a false truth, something that didn’t happen. It’s a fear of what could potentially happen. And this is really kind of moulding and shaping your whole self-image. And it’s permeating every interaction that you have in your life. 

So it’s really important to be aware about how you feel so that you can rationally judge a situation, especially in business. Because if you’ve rushed and you’re late for a meeting, you don’t go into the meeting with that whole kind of really positive, relaxed feel. You’re kind of really out like a stressed and you’re angry, and you’re just not going to get the best from the situation. So sometimes what we have to do is you have to kind of take a view of really what you are truly feeling. Like is this how you feel? Is it true? 

And this is something that I do a lot. Like sometimes we put our own sort of perceptions and our own beliefs, etc., on others. And just because you feel something, it doesn’t make it true. And what I mean here is that if you’ve got a self-image that is not positive, you might irrationally look at somebody who is very confident, and very positive, and dislike them. And this is irrational. You have to think about the patterns in your life and where you are, and consistency about making a judgment. You can’t judge a book by its cover. I mean, so many times people have said to me, “Oh, you just don’t look like you would work in technology.” “Oh, you don’t look like you would have been a programmer.” These are judgements around an image that I am projecting. Now, just because I like to get up in the morning, and put makeup on, dress a certain way, it doesn’t mean to say it’s wrong. It just means that it’s me, and that’s how I want to present myself. 

So all of these behaviours and how people judge you, it’s generally something they’re feeling. Like so many people have said to me, “Oh, if you’re going on camera and you’re doing this, and you’re wearing makeup, you’re hiding behind a mask.” I mean, just utter, utter rubbish. Because you just actually, quite simply, want to look your best. So you pop a bit of makeup on. If you’re someone who wears makeup, then great. Equally, if you are not somebody who wears makeup all the time and you feel completely comfortable that way, then that is not wrong either. So you have to understand that there are so many false truths and so many irrational ways that we feel, and vice versa, people feel to you. Because they have this like predetermined judgment and we all have it within ourselves. 

And when we set intentions about being healthy or doing whatever, if we feel good about it, we tend to be more successful. The same is true in business. So when you think about how you affirm your own preexisting sort of self-perception, you can start to build a new one. And you’ll have had comments from people over the years. I mean, I’ve had comments about the way I look, the way I dress. I’m not a conventional dresser in the business world, and I never have been, and I never will be. And again, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s just people’s perception. People should be allowed to do what they want to do, how they want to do it, when they want to do it, without judgment. But unfortunately, that is what makes the world go round. 

Now, what I’m saying here, in business, is that you should really try and step out of the zone. Try and think about how you feel before you judge somebody, but be open to their beliefs, their views, because everybody is entitled to have different beliefs. And think of it in terms of more of a conversation rather than totally thinking, “Oh, they’re not my sort of person. They don’t believe in what I do.” Having a moral belief can be very different across the board. And one of the things that I truly feel is, when I met my partner, that we morally aligned. It doesn’t mean to say we will always agree, but we have that same sort of ethical background. I would say that we would judge a lot of situations the same. And I’d be able to say how someone would respond. For instance, if he responded to an accident, what he would do. And this is something that we do pull towards. 

So you have to think about the way that desirability works. And if you see something, a quality in somebody, it’s because it’s something that you have yourself. So quite often, when people are really confident and they meet someone else who’s really confident, they really like that person. But this is where the ebb and flow can kind of go out of kilter because if somebody is not overly confident and they’re quite introvert, and then they meet someone who is very confident and very extrovert, they instantly can clash. And from both sides, they can feel that they don’t align. 

Now, what I want you to think about is you can teach people how to treat you. And this is something that I really truly believe because sometimes, let’s say if I’m in a training course and delegates come in, the first thing they’re thinking is they’re in a new situation, they’re assessing it, they’re looking at me, they’re looking at the way how I react. And quite often, there’ll be a judgment of what they think, and this aligns to what they thought they were going to. So it could be the room looks different. It could be I look different. It could be the size of the room or the amount of people. So if it contradicts what people thought, then this can often raise a challenge. And it’s very obvious to see in people’s body language and behaviour. 

Now, sometimes, although I think I’m a nice person and very warm, that’s not always how people will react to me. So not often, but sometimes I will meet students or clients or delegates on a training course. And let’s say, for example, I’ve met people, who’ve come into my training course and I’ve felt really kind of like a frosty feeling from them. And I can instantly tell that they’re not liking me. Now, that’s just their prejudgment, but it doesn’t mean to say it can’t change. Those people who’ve had quite a strong feeling towards me will often change by the end of it. And they can have quite a strong, positive feeling towards me, often more so than other people who had no particular feel as they walked in the room. And this is all because it’s coming from what we believe and what we think is going to happen. And when anything comes out of that, it does throw these little curveballs. 

Now, often with somebody who maybe doesn’t react positively with me, it’s because I may be exuding something that they don’t have and that they want. It could be I’m exuding something that they don’t know that they’re doing, that I have. So they are actually seeing a lot of me in them. And it can just be sometimes as simple as how was their journey to get to the training course. What was their experience from sort of getting up that morning and arriving into that room? So this is how we can change the way that people think. 

And one of the things that I want you to think about is how you rebuild and how you portray your own self-image. So if you do feel slightly negative, you have to start looking back at yourself and thinking, “Is it true?” Because we give ourselves such a hard time. Sometimes the little voice in our head is telling us that we’re not good enough. We don’t look the right way. We’re too fat, we’re too thin, we’re not healthy enough. We don’t look right. Our skin, our hair, our complexion, whatever, is not what we perceive to be the ultimate.

Now, perception is everything. So the first thing is, is you have to think about adapting your own behaviour so that you’re more open, more productive, you have more of a positive feeling. And you start to attract people who are in that same realm. And if you’ve ever heard about manifesting or projection, this is so true because if you go out and you’re in a happy mood, it’s almost catching and those people become happy in your own kind of realm. If you went out and you were miserable, then you would project that onto others. So you can change how people embrace you and how they react to you.

And quite often, it’s just communication. It’s opening those communications, being open, being warm towards someone, being positive, and handling any objections, and being very authentic but transparent at the same time. If you stand for something, that’s fine to say. It doesn’t mean you have to get into a political debate. Because sometimes one of the nicest things we can have is conversations when people have a different viewpoint. So you need to be able to accept other people’s viewpoints. And keep thinking to yourself, if you have a feeling of negativity about yourself or someone else, is it true? Is it a false belief? Does someone else think this of you? Quite often, it is not the case. And it just means that maybe we’re in a maybe low ebb in our life and we’re recovering from being knocked down or challenged by something. It could be in our business or our work life, or it could be in our personal lives.

So you have to think about this meta-perception trap and make sure that you don’t fall into it. Because if you think about it, if you try and judge people and you don’t know anything about them, how could we possibly know? The whole saying, don’t judge a book by its cover, until you’ve read the book, there’s so much you go through when you read that book, how you feel, the emotions. When you read a book, you’re almost playing a movie in your head. And you can sometimes pick up a book and think, “Oh, I had no idea it was going to be so good.” But this is the same with relationships and the way that we logic and irrationally sort of embrace other people. So if we start treating people in a way that we don’t like them, they’re irritating, and that they’re just not good people, well, that often becomes true in our own heads. But also the way that they start reacting to you becomes awkward and difficult because you are presenting that relationship out.

So try and think about, when you meet somebody, just to kind of be a bit more open. Just don’t make a judgment. Try and think about how you feel that day and try and think about whether, how you got on with that person was a true reflection of. Did you really get on with them? Was it just because they were completely malleable to what you were saying? Or was it that sometimes you think that I didn’t get on with someone because they were challenging you and just wanting to debate it? 

So for me, in business, if I think about how I get on with people and how I feel, sometimes in business relationships, you can start thinking, “Oh, I can’t believe they did that. I can’t believe they reacted like that. Oh, well, I wouldn’t do this.” Just because you wouldn’t do it, doesn’t mean to say it’s true. And everyone has a different belief around it. Sometimes you think, “Well, that behaviour was not ethical, that behaviour was not nice. I feel that that wasn’t positive.” Maybe approaching the person and just saying how you feel about it so you can hear how they present it back to you could change that whole feeling. 

So don’t let negativity burden you down. Be open to things. But remember, something that can feel uncomfortable, or start off negatively can be changed just by thinking about is this true, and trying to have a positive feeling towards something. And remember, the way we see others is often a reflection of how you see yourself. 

So I hope you enjoyed this week’s episode, and I shall see you on episode 21 next week. And remember, you can catch me and all my podcast episodes with all the worksheets at dawnmcgruer.com. Just jump online, go to the website, and all the episodes are ready and waiting for you to have a look at. And you can dip in and out because each episode is only about 10 to 15 minutes long. 

So enjoy the week. And I hope you have a great day. And hopefully, you can think about your positivity and relationships a little bit more next time you experience a negative feel, and turn that round to a positive. I hope you enjoyed this week’s episode, and don’t forget, I’m going to be with you each and every week. So download and listen on dawnmcgruer.com, or on iTunes, and come and join us in our Facebook community too. All the details are on the website, and I’ll see you next week.